Apples of Eden

You know, since the day my 6 year old started Summer Break I have just suspended this site at entry #69, bit by bit a few times adding stupid BULLSHIT to its content.

Then tonight happened.

I heard God.

He said "...it may not be too long if you keep playing shadow puppets."

Told me time is short if I don't get on my stuff.

You know, 6 months ago I was in the hall at home, when the Angel of Death pointed into my little nephews room from next to me where he appeared. I looked in and it wasn't like my nephews room at all, it was this swirling inky blackness like something out of "Stranger Things" (we are on Season 3 Episode3).

There in this infinite void the ACTUAL Death looked back, filling the air around me with this incredible intense charge and I then knew, though I fear not The Angel, I do fear the Demon. The Grim Reaper.

I fell back into our room, and collapsed on the bedding. There behind me as I lay, Satan himself, fierce and blood red with twisted horns and inky black eyes roared in a thunderous shake to the others, "...we HAVE TAKEN HIS HEALTH, now let's TAKE HIS LIFE!!"

This followed with bellows of angry strong peals of earthquake shaking laughter.

I am 41. Been homeless most of my life.

Never been in real trouble, never been a real drinker, or druggy, never caught any bad diseases, excersized a lot and never gave up hope. Mentally Ill, I suppose has thrown shot in the works, but I am good dude. Never killed anyone, only been in a handful of fights, worked hard even when it was painful, loved God even when I thought he didn't do what I wanted.

Now I am middle aged, failing knees, diverticulitis, arthritis, Bi polar with utmost severity and for the first time in my life the other night, while watching fucking fireworks with my family, thought seriously about killing myself for the first time.

There were times when I was out there I thought it was over. No money, no food, no job, no home, no family, no friends, real danger, and pain that never ends. Those days I walked 30, 40, 50 miles a day to just bear the demons everywhere, walked to escape the fear that gripped my very soul. That I believe has given my knees such wear.

I am scared to do what God has said. For me to really spring into action, I gotta just do it my way, and "oh ho ho ho" my family will not look on me relinquishing their say on my rights to decisions like, using my welfare check for me rather than them so that I can rise up, etc. etc. etc. I am straight afraid of doing the right thing for me, but at this point I am pertantly clear that God spoke tonight.

He basically said, it's your choice. All of this ,(*snap) "GONE..."

I know what I CAN DO. I KNOW what is right.

He also said something else I found profound. Told me to stop shitting on someone else. Someone I write. Said stop. Someone I thought would never take offense. I'm hurting him too.

I just don't know where to start.

How do I go about this?

I can't just get up and walk away, can't just claim that changing everything for me will BENEFIT EVERYONE HERE "blindly..." CAN I?!!

All I know is this. If I don't do something, I will outlive my usefulness to others here, as in Earth, and will leave this place forever sooner than...well...

"*GONE..."

July 7, 2019

4:20am

Dearest Love,

First off, let me say that this is the hardest yet greatest thing I have ever embarked on. Our relationship has led me from the shores of the West, through the mountains of the North, the Great Canyons, and the straights of the between. I have loved you, your brother and your parents and nephew as few ever in my life.

I know this will be hard to say, but I do love you. It is overly sentimental you might suppose saying this in so far as I am writing to tell you and our beautiful little girl goodbye.

The things I could say, excuses I would make, promises I could promise all leave me to lead a tongue twisted knot of confusion.

I am not leaving you.

I am not trusting my love to another.

I am not abandoning ship. I am hoisting our/my sails to straight fly directly where I am most needed, and will profit. Hope I am a prophet.

You asked me not to post letters to you on www.ozenoz.media so I am sorry.i I did this in hoping our engagement, as it should, will remain ours. Publicly. I can only hope you feel the same for your arrangements. I still want to marry the woman I met 7 plus years ago. That will never happen if I do not do my time at sea with the things for me to do to trim the tree this year.

I have little more explanation than that.

Tell my daughter her Daddy loves her with all of his heart and soul and very life forever.

I am not at ease at all with this.

I fear if I do not do this, my love, my children will never know their father's greatest love.

"The change which makes the world turn round are the stars that light our place for now. If you wish to know what I seek, it's to return to you over and over and over to fall in love again, and again, and again."

I will miss you, and will tell you when I have found the other side of all this.

You do the same. Please.

2214344ever

"Me"