༏༜ 𝕻𝖊𝖆𝖈𝖊 𝖇𝖞 𝕻𝖊𝖆𝖈𝖊

 My Dear Rose,

        The end has come. I am not happy. 

        I do what you want, when you want, all the time, and you ask all day and all night. Then you tell me I am not doing anything, that it's all put on you. I want to return to work, have for years, but you will only allow it on your terms, your hours.

        Our daughter doesn't even like me anymore, she has been conditioned not to.

        I do what you want for me to do. I eat what you want to eat. I drink or don't drink what you want, and if not it's all bad on me. I watch what you want to watch. I listen to you talk ten fucking hours a day. But if I talk, I am "manic". You talk about, revisit your past all the time, but if I do, I'm "living in the past". When I went back to work, it was  "inconvenient" for you. 

        All throughout this relationship I have been me. I am a writer, actor, comedian, musician and an artist. You have never supported my efforts. You don't even look at my work. At all. Over a decade of toxicity put to the test for me.

        Despite, I have chosen you and our daughter and choked down when you disbelieved me, or my stories, called me "ill" or "deluded". It's adequate to say I am more than unsatisfied.

        How could I think I would fit with someone who hates concerts, shows, theater, opposes the very idea of me following my dreams for me?

        You have instilled in our daughter that "Dad" doesn't work, is lazy, incompetent to measure up to anything she should look up to. She'll never view me in a good light as I would want my daughter to.

        I'm sick of spinning my fucking wheels.

        We never kiss. We aren't intimate. We never have heart to heart talks. For years.

        You speak of getting the American dream. But hold no credit that I can help get us there.

        Stuck.

        I am going to take my chances on finding happiness elsewhere and in my career. 

        You would say "What career?!"

        And that's just how I will remember you.

        I'm not going to serve you by only doing what you desire anymore.

        You can keep your fucking insults and disinterested slander.

        I don't need it.

        Goodbye.

        Where am I going? Far away from here. 

        So now you can have it your way. I'm sure that will make all of you happy.

         And so on this day I get to write you a heart break letter.

        I've known I was losing you for quite some time now.

        I've gone through so much with you, but you deserve so much better than me. The world is your oyster, may you find all of it in pearls.

        I don't want it to be over, but I can't stand ruining your potential happiness anymore.

        There are times I wish for more, and I will always wished it could have been for you, but I guess this is the way it goes. 

        Take for instance, the fact that I am lying here crying five feet from you, and you don't even care to notice.

        We almost made it real, huh?! Almost.

        I am holding you and our daughter back from a life with someone I am sure you will find. Someone to provide for you what I never have. 

        I wish I could.

        That time is past, you already act so numb to feelings towards me so much, I won't be able to stay around to watch you break my heart anymore.

        I'm sorry, but I can't do it. That's why I lost you they'll say.

        I came from the streets, and now I will return to them. 

"Vita est morte, est vita."

Memento Vivere.

        The last straw to me was the blindness with which you handle my hopes and aspirations for my career life. You don't support them at all. Not even when I have demonstrated worlds beyond what needs to be in my skill set to have a professional life that will bring me wealth, prosperity, happiness, and fulfillment.

        If that's the way it is, then what do we have to look forward to?

        Enjoy your life "trapping" someone else in the world you alone are allowed to contribute to in complete disregard for the partner you "love".

        You have said "I love you" of your own volition I bet you less than 100 times in over thirteen years. That means you would have "initiated" it, and meant it, for me to know - that's less than ten times a year.

        I will now go on the daunting adventure of making my own life improvements. Away from a daughter who abuses her priveledge (always will), and you, the woman who settled for the "tramp" she thought she could own.

No Regrets,

All of My Well Wishes.

Joel 

        "All of this shit becomes the shit we've been through..."  [(???)]

-Slug from "Atmosphere"

 

      I wish that I could honestly say I could just "stick it out", make it work, but I can't.

        It's just too fucked up.

        (My wife)

        Her brother said, just before she made me quit my full time job at Sycuan, he said, hunched over in a raspy whisper "I don't like the way she treats you dude! She is constantly like, up your ass, like way up there!"

        This from a man who has been best friends with her his whole life.

        It's been over thirteen years. Thirteen long, hard fought years. Our daughter was born (premature) ten months into it, she's been a factor since the second month of the relationship.

        She doesn't love me. Or maybe she thinks she does, but it's this disfunctional she is "the boss", and she gets to make my life living Hell because of the she is "always right" bullshit.

        It's funny but she (49) and her brother (45) basically never left home. A home with an untreated bi - polar Mom makes her subservient, bitter husband's life living Hell. He stays, out of obligation, what with his Retired Naval Senior Chief Petty Officer pension, probably six figures. I think she (my wife) expects me to live on with her to the bitter ends, as the family tradition demands. No way I'm doing this 50 FUCKING years.

        I am going to break the cycle, for my daughter. My daughter has begun voicing her upset over my wife (by common law marriage) to me, and I find, I am impotent to help. I need to show her that you don't just put up with it out of some kind of twisted obligation.

        If y'all haven't gathered, we live in a multi - generational family dwelling (1300 sq.ft.) with Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle and his son, me, my wife and our twelve year old. Like crushed sardines in a tin can box.

        In the beginning, I had dreams of a home, a career, and yeah we talked of kids. She, she had 300 pregnancy test strips she peed on daily with hopes. She told me we would live at her parents home, work fast food jobs, and inherit wealth from here, at her parents behest. I didn't want that.

        She got her way.

        I was told I was not allowed to work from 2012 all the way up until 2020, because she "couldn't handle it". If it makes any sense to you her anxiety made her drop out of High School, and not leave the house for 19 years. She would never, but NEVER, leave the house alone.

        She told me very early on I was not allowed to try to have a relationship with my (now 20 yr.  old) son, out of fear and jealousy for my relationship with his mother. I was threatened that I would now lose my daughter too. I have to say, that was the first knife to the back.

        In 2020 she forced me to leave Walmart. I had only been there 3 months, and I was looking at a fast track to management. I would probably have a proper career now. Though she denies it openly, she admitted to me during a fight that she meticulously planned and manipulated me leaving that job.

        Mind you all of these things I say, she gaslights me and denies all of it.

        I am FUCKING man slave too. I do the dishes for everyone, alone, 5 times a day, empty the trash cans and recycling several times a day, laundry, cat boxes, water, and food, make lunch and dinner food, the list well,  I'd go on, but I did adequate description once already linked to -->> below...

        When I went to work in April 2024 at my long awaited job at Sycuan Resort and Casino, Full Time Box Office Employee (Entertainment Ambassador) I was psyched! I loved my job, I loved the people, the benefits were awesome, the pay decent enough to ride out to promotion, but she wasn't having it.

        The second day in training she started a fight, and threw me out of the house! The fights continued for months while I worked. Everything from coworker jealousy, to claiming I would leave her unfairly for her problems with my "dirty" money job.

        All the while I gave her $400 per paycheck... Over $800/month every time, and when she convinced me to quit, made me leave, she said she'd help me til I got a new job. That ended quick, and now I get an earful every time I need something, and she won't help! She FUCKING lectures me about not quitting a job before I have a new one, when she made me leave!

        She bitches nonstop about me, calls me stupid, full of myself, uncaring of our daughter, lazy...sick, a "piece of trash"...

        I'm expected to get new part time work except no Saturdays, Sundays, or Mondays, and mornings only. And this is subject to change around her schedule! 

        And as for a relationship, well, there's no intimacy. I'm not allowed to talk. She talks for hours every day, uninterrupted and all about her stuff, it couldn't be called a conversation as I am not to speak, and corrected if I do. If I correct our daughter, I'm always subject to a lesson on parenting. Everything has to be done her way. I'm not allowed to write my novels, make music, or vlog, or do stand up. 

        I'm expected to give her hour long massages, at will.

        I could go on forever.

        I won't, though.

        The thing that gets me is that I have nothing to start over with.

        No money. No job. No home. No car. No license. 

        And where do I go?

        I would love to go home to Pennsylvania, but my family there is abusive, and I can't trust my son, and I already put that on the map here blogging, so I'd be scared they'd meddle again.

        It'll be me and a backpack full of toiletries, nicorette, and medicine vs. The World.

        My knees are really bad these days too, osteo - arthritis in both.

        I don't smoke habitually, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, and my mental balance has long been restored.  I have a fighting chance at starting over, but I will lose my daughter, probably for good. And my wife, she's FUCKING spiteful so all the more.

        I don't know where to turn.

        I have no one.

        I guess I have No. 1

        Perhaps better than ever.

Peace by Peace,

Joel E.A. Brooks

What do I do?

1.) Take the trash out - several times a day

2.) Take the trash for 7 people  to the curb- once a week

3.) Wash the dishes - several times a day

4.) Cook for Bella - a couple of times a day

5.) Give Bella a shower - every other day

6.) Dress Bella - several times a day

7.) Grocery shop - twice a week

8.) Give Bella medicine - every night

9.) Cook for RGK - once a day

10.) Give 45 min. long back massages- I've given over 1000, literally...(13 years)

11.) Do the laundry - at least once a week

12.) Go shopping for the house - once or twice a week. Up to 5 stores.

13.) Take Bella to school - every day she goes

14.) Do the yard - as needed for many hours

15.) Help Bella toilet - several times a day

16.) Help Bella with brushing her teeth - once a day

17.) Go to Bellas psyche appt. - once a month

18.) Clean up after Bella_ find perpetually lost phone - several times a day

19.) Take stuff to storage - I've filled a 25x10, and a 10x10 

20.) Clean the cats litter - several times a week

21.) Feed the cat - several times a day

22.) Clean the hamster cage - every few weeks

23.)Clean the refrigerator - every few months

24.) Major projects like moving trash built up in the backyard for half a day, cleaning the garage, putting together new furniture

25.) Work on Bella's homework - several times a week

Morning View

12pm "Joel, get up, get Bella's LUNCH!"

12- 12:15 serve a four course meal

1PM - 2 PM Argue over being able to use ipad while in virtual zoom classroom

3pm "Joel, clean the kitty litter, feed the cat, give Bella her medicine, do the dishes, take out the trash, and get Bella dressed to go to the store."

3:01 "Daddy take me to go poop!"

3:30 Listen to afternoon itinerary

3:45 Leave for Walmart Grocery, WalMart Dept. Store, Target, Fast food run

4:00 - 6:30 pm - shop

7pm - arrive home, unpack, "Daddy take me to go pee!"

7:30 pm - empty trash, recycling, feed cat, hang up laundry

8pm "get the salt and pepper"   "get me ice water" "get my glasses case" "hand me my vitamins" "get dry food for the cat, and do the dishes before you make my aging mother do them." "Empty the bathroom trash" "break down the boxes delivered and take them out" "clean the cats water bowls" "when I'm done earning money, since I'm the only one with a job supporting this family, give me a 45 minute massage!"

8:15 "make Bella Mac n cheese on the stove, a hot dog in the air fryer, and cut her up some watermelon..."

8:30pm "can you wash the bedclothes, and linens, and scrub Bellas shoe soles?"

8:45pm "Give Bella a shower and give me her detangler and  brush from the bathroom!"

9:15 pm " Dress Bella and change the laundry loads."

9:30 pm " Brush Bella's teeth and mouthwash, give her Melatonin and tuck her in."

10pm " It's so messed up I have to do everything, micro manage you and Bella..."

11pm - 3am ozenoz media 

3am - 4am massage

Who knows when zzzz....

Up at 12pm "Get up Joel, make Bella lunch!"

Fubar reality. Ugh.

(Etc... A LOT OF ETC...)

Benefits:

Rent free

With my girls

Included in outings/vacations:

San Diego Zoo and Safari Park

Birch Aquarium

Disneyland

Knotts Berry Farm

Museums

Yosemite

Zion National Park

Movies

Padres Games

Air BnB w/Pools "staycations"

World Mark Timeshares 

Warner Brothers Studios

+Others...

        The problem really lies in my ability to make money. Not that I can't, I just haven't been "allowed".

        I'm not wasting my time on this dead end anymore.

        What a waste.

Goodbye to this chapter of my life. 

Sad.

To have spent 27% of my life on this, and lost it all to selfishness. 

Entirely my own, but magnified by my mental illness.

Unspoken

Goodbye Love

Sorry Goodbye...

Got a comment? Write me at:

Thegratefulliving@mail.com